Saturday 21 September 2013

Way of the MILF - Losing Weight Tip # 2

The Stone Foundation
'Kay, we are advancing well now in our new bras, I am hoping; eyes to the front? 'Kay then, let's move on. Step two to losing weight is, Be Happy. A lot of people think: 'Oh if I was slim and lissom, I would be happy.' They have got it the wrong way round.

Acksherly being a skinny malink is all about being miserable. If you want to be real skinny like a super model you have to be totally obsessed with food and always hungry, which is not a nice state to be in at all at all.

When I was a li'l kitten at university, I used to go on diets. I would think: 'Tomorrow I will start my new super diet.' The next day I would wake up with no recollection of this earnest resolution. However some very clever part of my brain would remember it and go: 'Ooooh, help! The silly minx is going to start starving herself. Get the calories in quick while you've got a chance.' Some strange impulse would lead me to buy a packet of chocolate biscuits. I would eat half of the packet in a trance. Then I would remember that I was supposed to be on a diet. After staring in horror and loathing at the remainder of the packet of biscuits, I would eat it to console myself for the stricken guilt I was experiencing.

Yah, yah, that is a very silly way to carry on. I was just a li'l kitten with puppy fat, LOL.

Recipe from Winehound
One day it occurred to me that I could spend the rest of my life anxiously counting the calories in each lettuce leaf I ingested, 'n having conversations that were like: "So-o-o this morning for breakfast I ate one slice of toast with butter on and another without butter. I skipped the milk in my coffee. Do you think that means I can have half of this bread roll or should I have a biscuit?" Like, that is so boring that if my friends were ever to start doing that to me, I would be going: "Gosh is that the time, I must run even though we have not had starters yet and you are paying for this three-course meal in Carluccios. Oh, I will just down my Bellini in one before I run out the door."

Or I could eat a large and juicy steak.

From Alison Kerr's blog.
I opted for the steak. I determined never again to worry about what I was eating and to eat just exactly whatever I felt like, when I felt like it. It took a few months for me to get over the palpitations of anxiety and fear that I would balloon out like a balloon. What happened instead is, I had a distracting love affair which distracted me from food and I lost my appetite (:eeek:! yah, it involved a monk, a Russian scholar and a double-booked bathtime, LOL). I went away at the end of the academic year in baggy dresses with chubby cheeks and came back in slinky black ski-pants looking like Audrey Hepburn. I turned up at a college feminist discussion group to find they were talking about Fat is a Feminist Issue, 'n we talked about this for a while very earnestly then the leader of the group said: "But what we all want to know, Naoko, is: how did you lose all that weight."

Well, acksherly I seriously did just buy a new set of slinky clothes <snerk>.

Wikipedia on Lolita
Anyway, anyway, the main thing is I was distracted by the monk and the Russian scholar and my bath - I have always been a little sorry I did not go off with that nice man who had interesting opinions on Lolita. So I only ate what I needed instead of consolatory chocolate biscuits 'n I lost weight. I did not obsess about my weight, in which case I would prolly not have noticed either the monk or the Russian scholar or the interesting man who knew about Lolita. Even if I had spotted them instead of obsessing about how many lettuce leaves I could safely nibble, they would have downed their Bellinis in one and done a runner as soon as I started going: "Ooh, I had a small bowl of porridge for breakfast 'n a glass of unsweetened orange juice, I better have the miserable li'l chicken dish and sulk about it instead of noshing on a lovely juicy steak."

I just want to make clear, dahlinks; I did not intend to share my bath with two men, I am not a slag y'know. I just double-booked. It could happen to anyone.

I did lose a shedload of weight recently and I did it like this. I was v. unhappy about this and that and for a year I was eating a packet of crisps (that's potato chips in American) 'n a slab of chocolate every night cuz I was so miserable. Then I was poorly. Then something in me woke up and said, This is no life and I started writing and flirting and I forgot about the crisps and chocolate. The weight rolled off me 'n now some of my knickers are a li'l bit loose, which is v. annoying when you are on the schoolrun 'n they are sliding down your leg instead of sticking around your bum (wink). I will have to buy a new set, and matching bras, and people will say: "G-G-Gosh, you lost weight," and I will say, "No dahlink, I bought yet another new bra, would you like a sneak peek?"

Gah, it is nothing but a nuisance, this weight-losing business. I have a favourite dress now which does not fit at all at all and I am so cross cuz I love it.

From review of DVD.
I remember years ago seeing Felicity Kendall in Shakespeare Wallah. She is so young in that film, still with puppy fat, and she is so beautiful. I rushed to the mirror cuz I thought: 'Oooh, I am young and a li'l bit chubby like that,' but when I got there I was gutted cuz I saw I had lost weight 'n looked like a skinny malink.

'N another thing I am always v. anxious about with the weight losing is my dimple. I have a real super dimple in my cheek. No, not that cheek! Gah! how dare you <snerk>. The dimple in that cheek is a separate matter and quite private - unless the loose knickers have rolled right off the bum and there is a wind which catches my skirt. Anyway, anyway, I have my dimple in my cheek where anyone can see it all the time, 'n I am a bit nervous in case I lose weight and it disappears. That would be torrid! cuz I love that li'l dimple which only really appears when I am v. happy and laughing a lot.

Gosh, if I get too happy and distracted from the crisps and chocolate who knows, so I make sure I feed up if I get a chance (wink).

Recipe for ice cream
sandwich cake here.
MLFs are prone to stack it on, dahlinks, when the piglets are a certain age. We go round living off their scraps: 'Ooh dear, here is half a cake and a li'l biscuit. I do not like to waste them so I better hoover them up myself.' Unsurprisingly we end up rotund. When the piglets are old enough to go to school all day and eat sensibly instead of having to be fed five times a day cuz their tummies are too little to hold more than a couple of hours' worth of food, the weight starts dropping off cuz we can go out having coffee while the piglets are in school, and being happily ourselves again instead of totally wrapped up in the little piglets.

'N acksherly, a li'l roll of fat is sexy. One v. saucy photographer whose lovely story I reviewed said once he likes it on ladies. He has some sexy photos which show what a lovely curve a li'l belly fat makes. As for cubs - if there is not a love handle there, what can you grip in order to pull someone along - uh, I just mean out the door to hang the laundry up (wink).

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